Monday, December 31, 2018

Love, Sex, Relationships and Early Addiction Recovery

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Love, Sex, Relationships | As many people in recovery have probably heard (and are often ignored or discussed), it is detrimental to an early recovery to get involved in romantic relationships. This article discusses part of the reasoning behind the often suggested suggestion 'no relations for the first year'.

Love, Sex, Relationships
Love, Sex, Relationships and Early Addiction Recovery
It is best ever to start with a definition of a romantic relationship. Romantic in the sense that it is used here refers to experiencing feelings of attraction, love, closeness or what the individual regards as love. Relationship in the sense in which we use it refers to constant or regular contact between an individual or individuals who experience these feelings. This article describes some of the reasons that romantic relationships are detrimental to early recovery and some pitfalls that await those who try them. We will start by describing love.

LOVE

Love is a difficult concept to define. It is usually called an emotion and is also described as a behavior. Both are correct. If you experience the emotion-love, it goes without saying that you would behave accordingly. Almost everyone agrees that there are different kinds of love, as expressed by different people. There is love for a child, parent, brother or sister, friend and lover. We will only be concerned with love between partners. According to social psychologist Robert Sternberg, there are four important types of love in relation to partners. The three components of this type of love can be seen in terms of the points of a triangle to better illustrate.



The three components of love are Intimacy, which can be described as getting to know the person and enjoying what you know, Passion, what is described as being in love and a strong desire to be close, and Commitment, for which I believe that most readers have the definition. Combining the points of the triangle results in the types of love.

Intimacy combined with passion results in romantic love. This is what most partners experience at the beginning of a relationship, and it is usually energetic and exciting.

Intimacy combined with Commitment results in Companionate Love. This is what many relationships become over time. The partners are comfortable with each other, have an extensive history together, know each other well and are committed to the relationship. There is probably a lack of passion.

Having all three passions or being in love combined with commitment results in Fatuous Love. This is the result of being absorbed in passion and sticking to a long-term commitment without really knowing the person.

Perfect love is when all three components, intimacy, passion and dedication are combined. Of course it is unrealistic to expect that the overwhelming passion that is present at the beginning of many relationships will last forever. This kind of passion lasts different lengths, depending on the individual. Most perfect relationships have passion that comes and goes and varies in intensity.

Unfortunately, many people confuse love or passion with each other. After a period of time together, and while the passion cools naturally, they notice that they fall out of love. Here comes the saying "I love you, but I am no longer in love with you". Many people in addiction restoration (and from there) then move from one Romantic Love Relationship to another and wonder why they can not find True Love.

SEX

Many addicts in the early recovery, when they were told that it was not good that they started a relationship, ask the question, and what about sex? Usually they refer to what is commonly called buddy sex or sports sex. Both of these refer to the act of sex for nothing more than the enjoyment of the act. No emotional involvement, no commitment, no strings. Although this seems cut and dry and usually harmless when two consenting adults are involved, there are a few complications that should at least be considered.

The first is that many people, let alone addicts in the early recovery, have trouble separating sex and intimacy. Feelings often develop despite the belief that they would never do so.

Along these lines is the tendency of those who have been sexually abused to socialize intimacy. This happens when a friendship develops, secrets are shared and a sexual attraction becomes clear, even though there was no existence before the friendship came closer. Because of the high prevalence of sexual abuse among addicts and the nature of personal-level sharing in the 12 step programs and groups, this is a very real and serious risk. For starters, buddy sex might just be a symptom of sick thinking and it can be very damaging.


Another consideration is the effect of casual sex on self-respect. Although most of us would like to believe that we can have free sex without guilt or regret, this is often not the case. Casual sex often goes against the morals and values ​​that people have learned and can continue to bear. Every time we behave in a way that goes against our values ​​/ mores, we experience feelings of guilt. Feelings of guilt can have a negative effect on immediate recovery and on self-respect.

Even if it does not go against any morality or values ​​that a person possesses, it is probably a behavior that was involved in active addiction. Because addiction and promiscuity often go hand in hand, loose sex would affect this addictive behavior and be a trigger. And even if a person was not promiscuous in their addiction, behavior with an "I want what I want when I want it" remains an addictive behavior. One way to generate self-confidence is to delay gratification and make decisions that will make you feel better in the long run. Not being involved with sports or buddy sex is an example of this.

RELATIONS

Most people believe in a spiritual or magical aspect that makes them fall in love and enter into a relationship. Many believe in a soul mate who is waiting for them, and that fate can come in at any time and deliver their soulmate to them. The following words are not attempts to demystify love and relationships, but are simply to prevent people from falling victim to other aspects that seem mystical.

Many people project qualities of their ideal partner to the person they know, and then confuse it with finding their soul mate. A projection is an internal an ideal, thought process or state that is attributed to another person. In other words, I know what I want and need my ideal partner to be, and I place these attributes and qualities in another individual. I observe the behavior of this other person and relate it to my ideal. If I do not recognize that there is a projection (and rarely a projection is identified) then I believe that I have found my soulmate. Later, when I know the person better, they begin to fall short in my expectations and ideals. They fail my expectations and can not be the ideal, and often the search for my true soul mate begins again. This pattern of disappointment will continue until an individual that realizes the reality of projection, and does not give in to the fantasy that they have found their soul mate.

Another aspect of relationships is the negotiation process. This is not an external event, but an internal event. Every person entering into a relationship is aware of the attributes that they bring to the table. These can relate to attractiveness, financial security, a characteristic of sweetness, intelligence, a caring person, being attentive, being alert, lying in bed, etc. Knowing which attributes' someone brings to the table, the individual wants a comparable partner . This does not mean that individuals necessarily want someone who is just as attractive, fun, financially secure, and so on, as we are. What it means is that we want an equal or better purchase in accordance with what we find important. For example, how many very attractive women have you seen in men who are financially secure. The man knows that he gives financial well-being and safety and values ​​an attractive trophy for a partner. The woman in this example knows that she is very attractive and appreciates financial security.
This example has been simplified, although it exists. The actual negotiation process is more complicated due to the number of aspects to consider, but the example is an example of the problem.

So if you accept this negotiation part of relationships as true, you may wonder why it is a problem. After all, it does or does not exist in an early recovery. The problem arises not only from the negotiating aspect. It arises because the negotiating aspect occurs during the early recovery.


Addicts do not recover with healthy self-esteem. This influences their perception of what attributes they bring to the relationship negotiation table. This results in various problems. The first is that they are not looking for or getting a lot on the bargain for a partner. If they do not feel good about themselves, or if they are convinced that they feel good about themselves, instead they are a defense mechanism, they will not expect much in exchange for what they bring.

Another problem that is consistent with this is that a lot of growth will occur during the first year of recovery. This growth increases self-esteem and if you have entered into a relationship early on in the recovery, they will now realize that they can do better. Moreover, even if both grow, and the self-esteem of both partners is increased, it is likely that they will grow apart.

Family dynamics in early childhood also affect what we seek or are attracted to by a partner. An example of this is clear in the dynamics of the alcoholic house. Without spending an inordinate amount of time on typical family roles in an addicted family, there are generally four in addition to the addict and the codependent. They are:
The Family Hero that gives the family something to be proud of by excel at school or sports.
The scapegoat - which behaves to take away from the tension in the family.
The Lost Child - which gives no problems for the family, is largely absent and self-contained.
The mascot or clown - who provides comical lighting to reduce the tension in the family.

The role of family hero and scapegoat is usually attracted by a dependent personality, such as the role of a lost child or a mascot. This also happens in houses where there is abuse. Often the daughter of a father who abused the mother will end up in a relationship with a man who is insulting, even if there was no indication that he was insulting when they met. Similarly, the daughter of an alcoholic often ends up with an alcoholic. All these examples illustrate the power of the unconscious in attraction. The power of early experiences and the formation of memory can not be underestimated. In an excellent book entitled "A General Theory of Love", Lewis, Amini and Lannon (2000) discuss how early experiences and the formation of memory affect attractions. Until these problems or complexes are sufficiently resolved, people run the risk of becoming a victim and ending up in bad relationships.

Another consideration with regard to relationships is the impact of socialization on what we find attractive. Statistically, most people marry in their own race, religion, socioeconomic status and culture. This is proof of the impact that socialization has on the attraction. This is not a problem in itself. But it also gives faith to the importance of unconscious influence on attraction.

A final consideration with regard to relationships in the early recovery is that people in the early recovery rarely know who they really are and often struggle against this concept. If someone is not sure who he is, how can they know what they want in a relationship? If they do not know who they are, they can not really love themselves. If they do not love themselves, how can they keep a partner?

In light of these considerations regarding early recovery and relationships, anyone who is considering entering into a relationship at the start of the recovery has cause for concern. The questions is that "is it possible that this attraction is due to unconscious complexes or addictive behavior?" Or  Question is that "what contributes to my attraction for this person?" Must be asked and strongly considered. And as the last thought with regard to answering these questions, someone who is in an early recovery has the ability to be completely honest with themselves, when not so long ago they convinced themselves that they needed another solution: drinking , store, etc. To get through the day?

Reasons relations in early recovery are poorly advised

1. Relationships take the focus away from recovery.

2. Relations take the focus away from the individual.

3. Relationships increase the risk of relapse due to emotional intensity.

4. There is too much potential for underlying problems, projections and complexes to create the attraction.

5. Low self-esteem and the negotiation process of relationships make early recovery an unclear time to enter a relationship.

6. There is a big chance that the relationship will soon outgrow.

7. In the early recovery you do not really know yourself.

8. In an early recovery you may not yet have a healthy insight into what love is already.

9. There is a strong possibility that the individual reacts in the early recovery to: "I want what I want when I want it."

10. In the light of the advice to the contrary, if you decide to enter into a relationship, you are working on your own program. This is quirkiness and this is an addictive behavior.

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Love, Sex, Relationships and Early Addiction Recovery

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